Pooping was a pretty hot topic in 2015, at least it was around here. After having a vertical sleeve gastrectomy (VSG) in September 2014 I spent the remainder of 2014 and the vast majority of 2015 pretty much full of shit, i.e., constipated. Couple the smaller food intake with a high protein diet supplemented by mostly soy based protein powders and it was bound to happen. Pun intended. To help combat the problem I increased my water intake, added as much veg to my diet as I could, and then tried a whole range of over the counter aids including, but not limited to, Colace, MiraLAX, Smooth Move tea, and aloe vera juice. They all worked in their own special way but none worked consistently. It got to the point where I actually dreaded to drop a deuce and the anxiety that came along with the dread did nothing but make matters worse. It was some time in October 2015 when I stumbled across a video that not only left me in tears but seriously changed my life.
After the laughter subsided I rushed to the Squatty Potty website and bought one of their stools for stool, then on sale for $28. What the Hell, it couldn’t hurt to try it, right? While waiting for the damned thing to arrive I practiced raising my knees toward my chest and trying to cop a squat, for lack of a better term, on the pot. Probably could have stacked up some books or turned the bathroom trash can upside down and used those to prop my feet but, no, I was awkwardly and perilously balancing on my butt on the toilet seat. It worked. Until I lost balance and fell off the john one evening.
Five days later the Squatty Potty arrived and I got to try it out the following morning. Grabbed my cell phone because, yes, I usually have time to read the entire New York Times while attempting to pinch a biscuit and headed into the throne room. Yea, a footrest! Yea, no more precarious perching! Yea … Whoa! All that was inside of me? What the ever-living Hell?! Hold on … I’m done and it’s been maybe eight minutes? Well, I wasn’t truly done as I went again about an hour later. Then I was done. And it was bloody amazing!
The Squatty Potty cut my elimination time down to less than 10 minutes per occurrence, my hemorrhoids subsided, I was finally able to eliminate without pushing to the point of a vasovagal attack, and I gradually became — dare I say it? — regular again. All of this healthy colon joy because of a magical unicorn and an actor in a cheesy wig. Seriously? Yes, seriously. Without the clever marketing I doubt I would have given the Squatty Potty a go; I’d likely still suffer from constipation and I’d be doing crossword puzzles in the can by now. So, as ridiculous as the video is, as weird as the poop stool concept might seem, the final verdict here is that the damned thing works and would be worth its weight in gold a thousand times over. Buy one for yourself today and thank me tomorrow.